I’m only dating men with real jobs from now on. This means: Actors: OUT. Doctors: IN.

I’ve watched “The Secret.” I know what I have to do to get what I want in life. Hot Italian Doctor, I’m comin’ for ya. Consider this post my Hot Italian Doctor vision board.  

I’m a realist, though- Hot Italian Doctor won’t just drop in my lap, problem-free. Here are some possible roadblocks I will have to work through:

1)  Meeting Hot Italian Doctor:  

In my 12 years in Los Angeles, I have never once met a doctor. Unless you count when my feet were up in stirrups and I was cringing in embarrassment. I don’t count that. You shouldn’t either. In fact, you should forget I brought that up at all.

2)  Competition:  

My Hot Italian Doctor will have a LOT of options in mates. He’s a DOCTOR! And he’s HOT! And ITALIAN! HE’S A HOT ITALIAN DOCTOR! There will be a lot of competition. But my Hot Italian Doctor will find himself bored with the model-types who constantly throw themselves at him, and find my love of “Dumb and Dumber” and the fact that I need to lose 15 pounds* INTOXICATING.

3)  Mutual Respect:  

I will respect the HELL out of him. HE’S A DOCTOR! And I will earn his respect by…Oh, geeze. This one’s gonna be a problem. There is almost nothing to respect about my life other than the fact that with so little to actually live for, I am still alive. That’s something…?

4)  Long Hours:  

Doctors are very busy, especially my Hot Italian Doctor- he’s ranked #1 in his field, and people travel from around the world to get his medical opinion. I won’t mind his absence, because he tells me over and over again how in love with me he is, and I know HE MEANS IT, because his actions back up his words and he’s not an emotionally unavailable self-absorbed actor. RAAAAHHHHH ACTORS ARE THE WOOOOOOORRRRSSSSTTTTTTT

5)  Where I Live:  

Van Nuys. The very anus of The Devil Himself. He probably won’t like coming to my neighborhood. That’s okay- I don’t either, so it’ll be something we have in common. We’ll just have to hang out in his adorable central-air-conditioned bungalow in Malibu. Also, he’ll have fun telling me stories about all the people from Van Nuys he’s operated on- “I’ve never seen so many bullets come out of one person!  He was more metal than man!  …But I saved him and I love you.”

6)  Gifts:  

He’s going to buy me so much stuff that it’ll be EMBARRASSING. “New car?! I can’t accept tha—okay. Thanks!” And in return, he gets the only thing I can afford: Kisses. But he’s blissful in receiving them because my love is THE ONLY THING HE WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE.

7)  Things in Common:  

He helps people survive for a living, and I……I help..…….This one’s depressing, PASS

8)  His Italian Mother:  

There’s bound to be tension here. She’s going to want him to marry a nice Italian girl who can cook many Italian recipes and bear him many Italian children. Too bad, Ma-In-Law…you’re getting little blonde grandkids who say “Y’all” and love Sbarro and Olive Garden.

9)  Vacation Time:  

I don’t get a lot of paid vacation time, which I’m going to need if we’re spending every summer at his second home in Tuscany. This is an easy fix, though; one month into our relationship he’s going to want me to quit my job and move in with him so we can see each other more. My parents initially won’t want me living with a guy I’m not married to, but then they’ll meet him and be all, “Oh, we totally get it. He’s a Hot Italian Doctor. You have our blessing.”

10)  Movies:  

I finally saw “The Godfather” and didn’t understand what all the hoopla was about. At risk of being disowned by his family, he’s going to agree with me on this.

Now the search for this Hot Italian Doctor begins. First plan of action: I’m going to camp out in the pasta aisle at the grocery store and throw myself at any man wearing scrubs. If that doesn’t work, then it’s off to Olive Garden I go. If I don’t find him there, at least I get to enjoy some delicious breadsticks. 

Wish me luck, y’all.  

*20 pounds

**If it happens that ALL Hot Italian Doctors are taken, I will also take Gerard Butler: Hot Scottish Lawyer.  

***Do you happen to KNOW a Hot Italian Doctor? HOOK A GIRL UP!

****Do you happen to KNOW Gerard Butler?? HOOOOOOK A GIRL UPPPPP!!